Jacqueline

-

Hey, Jackie this is Dragunov14, or you can call me Zack. We've never talked really, or played a game, but I've always enjoyed reading your comments and hacks. I don't really know what to say, but know that I will not remember you as a victim, but as a purple ninja who brought me many smiles for almost a decade.   If you want I'd be happy to chat sometime and maybe play some AWBW for nostalgia/fun.

I also recommend possibly getting a concealed carry with a bullet in the chamber once you calm down emotionally. Confidence is what you carry. My personal gun of choice is the gen-4 glock-27 because it's very small/light and packs a punch that can shoot through walls/people if I ever have to.

It takes a lot of guts to speak out like that and say the truth about your life to people who do not know you personally. If anything, you should be commended for coming out and at least speaking about it. I think it makes someone stronger, when they come out of hiding and speak the truth of what is going on in their lives. I know each and everyone here carries some baggage, but it takes a true person to speak about it. Congratulations on having the courage to speak about your problems in a way that many people would never dare do.

Running

This is actually pretty personal to me, because I joined some forums in the past for the same reason. I wanted to take on a identity in where I can be respected, because in my real life, it was just a bunch of ridicule, problems, and things I never wanted to deal with. Instead of dealing with them, I just delved very hard into games. As you headed for Advance Wars, I headed for Tekken (a fighting game by Namco). I created a forum identity (Poizonous Flour) based off a character that no one was using at the time (Lili), and I basically used that alias as a way to escape from my own problems of education and family life.

It became an obsession, trying to make that alias become respected, trying to act as though nothing was wrong. In some ways, I felt I was a better person inside the forums, always helping people. Where in my real life, I felt that everything was going wrong and it was completely out of my control. After a while, though, real life ends up catching up with you. I realized that, no matter what you tried to build up, pretty soon you'll have to face the music and come to peace with whatever happened in the past.

If I were to give advice...

It is difficult. The emotional roller coaster of dealing with internal problems tests every bit of your resolve. I got through it by trying to see, through my pain, who my allies were. I tried very hard to see who was trying to help me. I decided that, running will not solve it. Even with that choice, I still felt a deep uncontrollable anger. I found it difficult to pull myself away from blaming myself, and because of this dilemma, it was challenging to acknowledge and receive help.

I decided that I wasn't the person behind the PzF mask, and I gave up the alias for a while. I spent around 4 months away from the site. It gave me some time to think. From my experience with the PzF alias, I thought I was a different person. However, I also figured out that, no matter how much I want to deny it, that PzF alias is a part of me. I realized that in PzF, there was that part of me that wanted to do something better for the world. There was that part that wanted to change the way my life was now. When I ran away from my alias, I realized I was also running away from that part that wanted to improve. I was still running. So, I decided that I should do something different...

The path I took...

I decided to piece by piece, look inside, and embrace the pieces that made up who I was. I started to live by the quote, "Everything happens for a reason". Each piece of my life grew me into the person that I am today. The more I embraced my different personalities, the easier it was to accept myself and receive help to improve myself. Feeling whole and at peace with who I am meant connecting all my personalities together.

As I said before, it wasn't easy. It was one of the hardest things in my life to accomplish. Fighting yourself. I wish you the best of luck Jackie, and I know I didn't go into much detail on my end of things. Feel free to leave a PM, but trust me, I can understand exactly the feeling when people say "it isn't your fault". Sometimes, you just want people to understand your feelings. It sucks, because I never found anyone yet who fully understood me. I feel I am the best person for understanding me, so I took it upon myself to accept myself and my history that made me the person I am today. At the very least, those actions made me hopeful that I will get through the pain.

Hi Jackie, I sent you a PM. Hopefully you can find your Inbox (I know that I had trouble finding mine...). I'm really sorry to hear about what you're going through, and I hope this is the first step on a happier path for you. I think you're heading in the right direction. If you ever need anything, please don't hesitate to ask.

Cheers,
Walker

WalkerBoh wrote:Hi Jackie, I sent you a PM. Hopefully you can find your Inbox (I know that I had trouble finding mine...)

Boy, you weren't kidding, what a hunt. I sent you a message as well, hopefully it went through all right

-

-

-

-

Nyvelion wrote:Jacqueline is weak, physically and emotionally [...] I am Jacqueline, and right now, I feel weak, depressed, scared [...] If I'm weak, that's the way I should be seen.

Nyvelion wrote:Please be honest... what do you think of all of this? What do you think of me, and of everything I've done?

I agree 100% with JSRulz: What you've done by posting what you have shows you aren't as weak as you think you are. I can't relate to what you've gone (and are going) through but I can only imagine how painfully difficult it was for you to post something like this; raw, honest, and revealing. I see no reason why anyone who reads it should have anything but respect and admiration for you. If nothing else, I think the fact that you took that step is evidence enough that you belong here in this community; it shows how important it is (and has been) to you. If you were as unsure as you sound about still being a part of it, I don't think you'd ever have posted this here.

Nyvelion wrote:Even if you think badly of me, which I probably deserve [....] And it was my fault... I wouldn't have been in that situation if I hadn't done something stupid to be there at all, if I hadn't been weak enough to allow it to happen, and I might have even deserved it...

Anyone who thinks badly of you for this post, for using Nyvelion/AWBW as an escape, or for what's happened to you isn't worth your time, energy, or thoughts. You don't deserve to have people judge you for things that have happened to you, I don't care how much you claim they were your fault, and you certainly don't deserve to feel as though their judgement would be warranted. I'd like to end with a quote which I find to be fairly relevant:

Sirius Black wrote:I want you to listen to me very carefully, [Jackie]. You're not a bad person. You're a very good person, who bad things have happened to. Besides, the world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters. We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are.

Your post reveals a lot about who Jackie the person, not Jackie the victim, really is.

-
Hi... I have something I need to say.
I am sorry that it might count as the kind of "drama" some people don't want to see, but this has been bothering me for a long time now, especially recently. I can't keep it in. If this is not ok.. you don't have to read this. Maybe don't read this if you don't know who I am either, it does seem like many of the people I knew at AWBW left already... But I'd like to ask that if you read this, that you respond to me in some way, either here or in private.



It's been nearly 10 years since I came to AWBW. I don't even know how that happened. I know I like video games for certain real life reasons that don't matter right now, but mostly the turn based kind because the action kind are too hard for me, and someone invited me here at some point because I have all the AW cartridges. I know I like to be creative, and I found a purpose here in doing some maps that I thought weren't like the others. Now, I hardly recognize anything I did or said back then. Looking back, it's like seeing a different person. I wish I could remember myself from back then... Ever since a certain day when something bad happened in my life, I've had a problem with sleep that is likely causing my long-term memory to be terrible. That day happened after I joined AWBW, much closer to my join date than today. I was still a young teen back then... and I've been acting differently ever since that day.

I wouldn't normally do this, but right now, it might make sense if I alternately refer to myself in third person either as Nyvelion, or as Jacqueline. Nyvelion is someone else. I don't know exactly what. Just a more confident version of me? An ideal version of me? The me I think I'm supposed to be? The me I think I'd be if it weren't for the day everything changed? Never was sure, and still not sure. I know Nyvelion is not Jacqueline. Jacqueline is weak, physically and emotionally. Always making mistakes. Always insecure, worrying about what everyone thinks of her. Rarely feeling accomplished. Rarely feeling good at anything. Always scared. Frequently getting depressed and crying a lot. Sometimes somewhat paranoid. Afraid to be close with people. Especially afraid of men, in person. Afraid to be hurt, and afraid of hurting others. Doesn't stand up for herself. Doesn't fight back... And always holding on to whatever memories she can of the time before it happened. In a way, Nyvelion is one of those memories. It feels much better to be Nyvelion than to be Jacqueline. For a long time I wished I was Nyvelion instead of Jacqueline. I don't know how to describe it well... this probably sounds crazy... but it feels like the bad thing that happened didn't happen to Nyvelion, only to Jacqueline. More than anything else I've ever wanted, I've always wanted to go back in time, to change how things happened so that that day would be different, so I could relive my life the way it was supposed to be. I can't do that... I don't even remember the old me... best I could do was hold on to an alternate identity... If I can't be the me from back then, I at least don't want to be Jacqueline. That's the real reason I haven't left this place years ago. I've been here after 10 years and I'm still bad at AW, because AW isn't the reason I'm here, it hasn't been for a long time. It's because Nyvelion is an escape. For a long time, it was an effective enough one. Perhaps some of Jacqueline slipped in at times when Jacqueline was feeling especially sad, but mostly it worked, Jacqueline could get relief by being Nyvelion. I didn't mean to split off a piece of myself like this, there was no plan at all, that just happened to me subconsciously in the online communities I was in when it happened, with AWBW being the only one left from that time that hasn't dissolved somehow.

I don't think that's going to work anymore, it's time for Nyvelion to go now. As Jacqueline, I don't know yet if I should stay here or leave, if I should try to find some other purpose for being here, but as of recently, I know I can't come here as an escape. I don't think I should give the details because it would sound crazy and because I'm definitely not here to blame anyone else, anything bad I feel is my own fault for handling the whole situation stupidly and irrationally, but about 2-3 weeks ago the certain wording of things that were said recently, some things that happened, and when I was already feeling especially vulnerable to begin with or else I might have ignored it easily, caused this place to become a trigger. Coming here gave me bad thoughts, reminding me of what happened. This is no longer a safe place from those thoughts anymore. No place is. There can't be a Nyvelion anymore, it's pointless if I can't use that identity to hide. That leaves only Jacqueline... who doesn't want to be who she is and has run out of places to hide.

Maybe some good has come out of this, most of the time when I panic like this, I only make bad decisions. The thought of losing my last safe place online to hide as someone else forced me to do something I've been putting off before because I've been in denial about who I am, too much to face the problem and do something about it. I haven't gathered the bravery to tell my story in detail there yet, but for the last two weeks I've been participating in a support group for sexual assault victims, including people like me who have been traumatized by being beaten and raped

I have a few requests, if that's ok. First, please do not think of me as just being a rape victim. It is the reason for me being the way I am, it affected everything about me, and it was a very bad but very important part of my life. But I want to be more than that, even though I feel like I'm less than I was before that day. Even if you think badly of me, which I probably deserve, I'd prefer that instead of being thought of just by what happened that day, I'm more than that. Second, I know it's odd because it's my username, from whoever I took the name "Nyvelion" from back then, but I don't think I should be called Nyvelion anymore. That's not what I am either. I am not Nyvelion. I am Jacqueline, if you want to use my given name, or Jackie, which my friends call me, or "Jem", my initials, which my brother calls me and which I like because it's one of the happy thoughts I have from before that day. Can I be called one of those instead please? Third... I don't want to tell you all to not say it, say it if you want to... just know that I've heard the phrase "It's not your fault" a thousand times already, from years of looking into my problem even when not doing anything about it, hearing it in tv commercials about getting help for my situation, seeing it everywhere in the group I joined... I won't be annoyed, just, I've heard it before. And it was my fault... I wouldn't have been in that situation if I hadn't done something stupid to be there at all, if I hadn't been weak enough to allow it to happen, and I might have even deserved it...

Please be honest... what do you think of all of this? What do you think of me, and of everything I've done? Whatever you want to say, I want to hear it, whatever you want to ask, please ask it, if I don't want to answer, then I won't, but I still want to hear it. I want to know the truth, whether or not I'll be able to handle it. That's why I need to do this, to stop hiding from who I am, I need to tell the truth now too. I need to stop being afraid of anyone here seeing the real me. Especially with something stupid I did that I found out about a week ago, I need to stop being afraid of who knows about what happened to me. Instead of worrying about that, it's time I just confront this. Even if I don't feel in control of my own life, even if I am weak, I want to at least be in a little more control of my weakness. No more trying to mask being scared. I am still scared, but no more trying to hide it behind fake confidence, fake anger, fake indifference. I have to do this as me. I am Jacqueline, and right now, I feel weak, depressed, scared, and I keep shaking and crying. This has been on and off for me since it happened, with the past 3 weeks being hard for me. That's the real me, the me I need to be for as long as I stay in this community. If I'm weak, that's the way I should be seen. No more running away.





[BREAK="Snack"][BREAK="WalkerBoh"]Hi Jackie, I sent you a PM. Hopefully you can find your Inbox (I know that I had trouble finding mine...)[/BREAK]

Boy, you weren't kidding, what a hunt.  I sent you a message as well, hopefully it went through all right[/BREAK]


I couldn't find it at all... wouldn't know there was an inbox except it links to it in the emails it sends that you got a message.

But that takes too long, so I cheated and made my forum account's "website" the link to the inbox, much easier to just click the fourth icon under my avatar on the right there. NVM

Since you messaged me in private, I'll reply the same way soon.





[BREAK="Iordor"]Hey, Jackie this is Dragunov14, or you can call me Zack. We've never talked really, or played a game, but I've always enjoyed reading your comments and hacks. I don't really know what to say, but know that I will not remember you as a victim, but as a purple ninja who brought me many smiles for almost a decade.   If you want I'd be happy to chat sometime and maybe play some AWBW for nostalgia/fun.[/BREAK]


Oh, I didn't know you were Dragunov14. Or Zack. I know I'd seen you around the old forums a lot, but we never crossed paths somehow?
I am pleased to hear I made you smile somehow.. don't know how I could have possibly done that, but good to know. : )
Purple ninja... I'm ok with being thought of that way. I have never actually dressed like a ninja before, though I happen to look good in pink and purple. I had considered changing my avatar as part of leaving behind Nyvelion, but that actually wasn't a part of Nyvelion, that's one of my good memories as Jacqueline. I could tell a longer story, but basically, I used to feel down a lot when I was younger and living with my family, and my brother who was into ninja stuff had me be "The Mighty Kunoichi"(female ninja) and it made me feel happy to be that to him. The actual avatar is less important I guess though, it's Ninja Natsuki from a webcomic that doesn't exist anymore, just happened to have the right hair and outfit colors for me, so I used it.
Thought I'd share that. I'm supposed to be thinking of happy memories and not just the bad ones...


[BREAK="Iordor"]I also recommend possibly getting a concealed carry with a bullet in the chamber once you calm down emotionally. Confidence is what you carry. My personal gun of choice is the gen-4 glock-27 because it's very small/light and packs a punch that can shoot through walls/people if I ever have to.[/BREAK]


I thank you for advice on having confidence... I am lacking in that right now. And almost always, but more right now. I don't think I could do that though... I don't even want to touch one of those dangerous things. They're scary. One of the things I'm scared of that has nothing to do the rest of my fears.




I had convinced myself this would go so much worse... there's little socializing naturally in AW itself, and most of what's been said on this forum has been on-topic to AW... it was hard to post something about my feelings when that wasn't common around here. I wasn't sure I really knew many of you here as people instead of AWBW players... I wasn't sure many of you knew me as more than the weird AW player... made it more intimidating to try to bring this up... This has made it so much easier. Thank you all!





[BREAK="JakeSamiRulz"]It takes a lot of guts to speak out like that and say the truth about your life to people who do not know you personally. If anything, you should be commended for coming out and at least speaking about it. I think it makes someone stronger, when they come out of hiding and speak the truth of what is going on in their lives. I know each and everyone here carries some baggage, but it takes a true person to speak about it. Congratulations on having the courage to speak about your problems in a way that many people would never dare do.

Running

This is actually pretty personal to me, because I joined some forums in the past for the same reason. I wanted to take on a identity in where I can be respected, because in my real life, it was just a bunch of ridicule, problems, and things I never wanted to deal with. Instead of dealing with them, I just delved very hard into games. As you headed for Advance Wars, I headed for Tekken (a fighting game by Namco). I created a forum identity (Poizonous Flour) based off a character that no one was using at the time (Lili), and I basically used that alias as a way to escape from my own problems of education and family life.

It became an obsession, trying to make that alias become respected, trying to act as though nothing was wrong. In some ways, I felt I was a better person inside the forums, always helping people. Where in my real life, I felt that everything was going wrong and it was completely out of my control. After a while, though, real life ends up catching up with you. I realized that, no matter what you tried to build up, pretty soon you'll have to face the music and come to peace with whatever happened in the past.

If I were to give advice...

It is difficult. The emotional roller coaster of dealing with internal problems tests every bit of your resolve. I got through it by trying to see, through my pain, who my allies were. I tried very hard to see who was trying to help me. I decided that, running will not solve it. Even with that choice, I still felt a deep uncontrollable anger. I found it difficult to pull myself away from blaming myself, and because of this dilemma, it was challenging to acknowledge and receive help.

I decided that I wasn't the person behind the PzF mask, and I gave up the alias for a while. I spent around 4 months away from the site. It gave me some time to think. From my experience with the PzF alias, I thought I was a different person. However, I also figured out that, no matter how much I want to deny it, that PzF alias is a part of me. I realized that in PzF, there was that part of me that wanted to do something better for the world. There was that part that wanted to change the way my life was now. When I ran away from my alias, I realized I was also running away from that part that wanted to improve. I was still running. So, I decided that I should do something different...

The path I took...

I decided to piece by piece, look inside, and embrace the pieces that made up who I was. I started to live by the quote, "Everything happens for a reason". Each piece of my life grew me into the person that I am today. The more I embraced my different personalities, the easier it was to accept myself and receive help to improve myself. Feeling whole and at peace with who I am meant connecting all my personalities together.

As I said before, it wasn't easy. It was one of the hardest things in my life to accomplish. Fighting yourself. I wish you the best of luck Jackie, and I know I didn't go into much detail on my end of things. Feel free to leave a PM, but trust me, I can understand exactly the feeling when people say "it isn't your fault". Sometimes, you just want people to understand your feelings. It sucks, because I never found anyone yet who fully understood me. I feel I am the best person for understanding me, so I took it upon myself to accept myself and my history that made me the person I am today. At the very least, those actions made me hopeful that I will get through the pain.[/BREAK]


We've never talked before today but you understand so well... I had no idea. Even if the reasons for us being driven to this were different (you don't have to go into that), it is really helpful to know I'm not alone in doing this.

An obsession... yes, I think I was doing the same thing over these years, all of that... I had been wondering recently then what it all meant...

It might have taken me too long, but I think I too am slowly realizing running forever won't work... clearly didn't. Maybe a good thing that it stopped working completely and forced me to find another way.

Our paths are a little different after that point I think, but that is really interesting about running from your alias not being the real solution, needing to embrace the different personalities. Maybe that is something I need to do too... sounds like I need to try to understand myself better.. understand both Nyvelion and Jacqueline in a way.

That does sound hard... but thank you so much for doing something hard yourself and saying all this, I will not forget your advice.





[BREAK="Xmo5"][BREAK="Nyvelion"]Jacqueline is weak, physically and emotionally [...] I am Jacqueline, and right now, I feel weak, depressed, scared [...] If I'm weak, that's the way I should be seen.[/BREAK]

[BREAK="Nyvelion"]Please be honest... what do you think of all of this? What do you think of me, and of everything I've done? [/BREAK]

I agree 100% with JSRulz: What you've done by posting what you have shows you aren't as weak as you think you are. I can't relate to what you've gone (and are going) through but I can only imagine how painfully difficult it was for you to post something like this; raw, honest, and revealing. I see no reason why anyone who reads it should have anything but respect and admiration for you. If nothing else, I think the fact that you took that step is evidence enough that you belong here in this community; it shows how important it is (and has been) to you. If you were as unsure as you sound about still being a part of it, I don't think you'd ever have posted this here.[/BREAK]


I hadn't thought of it that way... I guess I wasn't thinking rationally enough at the time to have seen it, but now I do realize that this place must be more to me than just a safe place to hide or I would have left the moment it stopped being that, and that everyone here must be important to me too. Maybe I'm interpreting this wrong; I don't know much respect or admiration I really deserve for any of this, especially for things that happened to me... I was thinking more about understanding, it seemed more important, especially at this time, to tell what I am really am and why.


[BREAK="Xmo5"][quote="Nyvelion"]Even if you think badly of me, which I probably deserve [....] And it was my fault... I wouldn't have been in that situation if I hadn't done something stupid to be there at all, if I hadn't been weak enough to allow it to happen, and I might have even deserved it...[/BREAK]

Anyone who thinks badly of you for this post, for using Nyvelion/AWBW as an escape, or for what's happened to you isn't worth your time, energy, or thoughts. You don't deserve to have people judge you for things that have happened to you, I don't care how much you claim they were your fault, and you certainly don't deserve to feel as though their judgement would be warranted.[/BREAK]


Thank you for reminding me... before, while writing that post and for the weeks before that when I was thinking about this a lot, I was so scared about what everyone already thought of me, and would think of me after this... it's good that everyone here is so nice, I didn't know what to expect since there isn't much personal talk around here... if anyone did judge me badly, I don't know exactly how I would have felt, but I don't think I would have handled that well...


[BREAK="Xmo5"]I'd like to end with a quote which I find to be fairly relevant:

[BREAK="Sirius Black"]I want you to listen to me very carefully, [Jackie]. You're not a bad person. You're a very good person, who bad things have happened to. Besides, the world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters. We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are.[/BREAK]

Your post reveals a lot about who Jackie the person, not Jackie the victim, really is.[/BREAK]


Nice quote, knew that one instantly, I do a lot of reading when I'm offline. Maybe still doing a little too much hiding in fantasy I guess.
Only way to one up that one would be if there was a relevant Wheel of Time quote right now.

I've thought a lot before about where I am in Good vs Bad/Evil... I don't think I can call myself very good... probably not a very bad person, I don't like to hurt other people, I try to avoid situations where I think I will hurt someone, and I feel bad when I hurt people unintentionally, but though I try to be good to people when I can, I've spent a lot more of my life doing whatever feels good for me, whatever is amusing to me, satisfying my own curiosity and need to be creative, often only doing whatever I think someone wants me to be doing. Not so much time going out of my way to help people as I could be. Especially when I'm in one of my lows, I'm rarely any good to anyone else... I'll let the people who spend more time than me helping others be called good. I'm a lot closer to neutral. Probably was before the day everything changed too.

Nyvelion wrote:I don't know much respect or admiration I really deserve for any of this, especially for things that happened to me...

What happened to you has had an impact on your life, but it does not define you as a person. The way you've handled the situation you were placed in, on the other hand, is revealing of your character and your courage, both of which you have shown to be worthy or respect and admiration. Hiding behind a veil of anonymity is the easiest thing to do on the internet and removing the veil to show your scars, especially truly traumatic ones, is no small task. I stand by what I said; even if you're not sure, I am.

Nyvelion wrote:while writing that post and for the weeks before that when I was thinking about this a lot, I was so scared about what everyone already thought of me, and would think of me after this... [...] if anyone did judge me badly, I don't know exactly how I would have felt, but I don't think I would have handled that well...

(Easier said than done, unfortunately)

Nyvelion wrote:I don't like to hurt other people, I try to avoid situations where I think I will hurt someone, and I feel bad when I hurt people unintentionally, but though I try to be good to people when I can

Mhmm, mhmm.

Nyvelion wrote:Especially when I'm in one of my lows, I'm rarely any good to anyone else...

Subjective, understandable, and also irrelevant; I firmly believe that a person's thoughts, feelings, and intentions are much better indicators of the kind of person they are. Actions may speak louder than words, but the sometimes nastiest of people put on the loudest of disguises. "And thus I clothe my naked villainy with old odd ends stolen forth from holy writ and seem a saint when most I play the devil." (From something that gets quoted in V for Vendetta but I'm too lazy to look it up... probably Shakespeare)

Nyvelion wrote:I've spent a lot more of my life doing whatever feels good for me, whatever is amusing to me, satisfying my own curiosity and need to be creative, often only doing whatever I think someone wants me to be doing. Not so much time going out of my way to help people as I could be.

That's just human nature. I'd like to see one person here to whom that doesn't apply, myself included!

Survey says: You're definitely a good person, no doubt about it.